Pass the Muffins
by omnipotent otaku
Summary: All Zelda wanted one morning was a cinnamon muffin. Warning, this fic contains muffins, idiocy, and flamethrowers. You have been warned.
1. Chapter 1

Omg, it's the stupendous, fantabulous, superpantaculus… PASS THE MUFFINS! DOES IT MAKE YOU HAPPY? 

Be prepared for insanity and... well... insanity.

This is a one-shot, but I MIGHT add more chapters if people love this fic enough for me to want to write more.

Oh, and to any readers who may have read my old script-format fics, click the Realm of Insanity link in my profile to see some of my old stories! I'm currently working on a WAY improved version of the Odd Story. Yay.

Disclaimer: I owneth not Nintendo, LOZ, Link's tights, or a pet hamster.

* * *

**Pass The Muffins.**

"Link, would you pass the muffins?"

Link looked up over his newspaper at Zelda. He rolled his eyes and threw a muffin at her.

"Idiot, this is blueberry!" Zelda exclaimed angrily. She threw the muffin back at Link. "Give me cinnamon."

Link tossed another muffin at her.

"Link, this is an effing CORN muffin. I WANT CINNAMON!"

"Get it yourself, Zelda," Link said, slamming the newspaper on the table.

"What if I don't want to?" Zelda said, slamming the corn muffin on the table.

The two looked ready to kill each other, when Ganondorf entered the kitchen.

"I'M HOOOOOOOOOOOOME!" Ganondorf screamed. Link and Zelda jumped.

"What the hell?" Link said. "You don't live here!"

"And we're in OOT Hyrule!" Ganondorf said. "Look at you, you're reading a newspaper in a kitchen with a fridge, oven, sink-"

"What's your point?" Zelda asked.

"Those things don't exist here! Moron!"

Then Ganondorf saw the TV in the living room. He cackled evilly, grabbed the TV, and ran out the door with it.

"… HE STOLE MY NEW PLASMA TV, THE BASTARD!" Link shouted. He ran out the door after Ganondorf.

"Finally, I can eat my muffin in peace!" Zelda said.

Before Zelda could eat the muffin, Saria and Malon ran inside. Saria took the muffin from Zelda and said, "Zelda, do you know how many carbs are in this thing?" She threw the muffin out the window.

"My muffin!" Zelda gasped.

"Now you won't have to worry about your figure being destroyed by the evils of carb-infested muffins!" Malon said. "Doesn't that make you happy?"

"YOU THREW MY PRECIOUS CINNAMON MUFFIN OUT THE WINDOW!"

Zelda grabbed a nearby frying pan and swung it at the two girls. Malon shrieked and dived out the window and Saria ran into the bathroom and locked the door. Zelda flung the frying pan at the stove in rage. She then proceeded to the door, determined to hunt down and damage Link for not passing her the right muffin.

- - -

Zelda stormed into the marketplace, armed with a flamethrower and 5 rupees so she could buy another muffin after she hurt some people. She could hear Link screaming "GIVE ME BACK MY TV!" somewhere, but she couldn't tell where his exact location was.

"Oh, Miss! MISS!" a man shouted, waving to Zelda. He ran up to her while holding a necklace. "Would you like to buy this beautiful gold necklace? Only... um... how much money you got?"

"Five rupees," Zelda said, eyeing the necklace suspiciously. It looked fake.

"Ok then, would you like to buy this BEAUTIFUL GOLD NECKLACE for five rupees, Miss?"

"... no."

"TOO BAD!"

Before Zelda knew what was going on, the man snatched Zelda's wallet and ran off laughing. Zelda stood still for a moment, then she screamed, "YOU TOO ARE MY ENEMY! PREPARE TO DIE!" She ran after the man, shooting flames all over the place. Quite a number of people got charred.

"GET BACK HERE, YOU THEIF!" Zelda bellowed.

"NO WAY YOU PSYCHO!" The man shouted. He tried throwing things at her to slow her down but Zelda would either dodge them or burn them with the flamethrower. Then he grabbed something a person he ran by was holding. It was a muffin. A cinnamon one. The man threw it, hoping that it would make a direct hit.

Zelda saw another item being thrown at her. She held up her flamethrower to annihilate it but then she noticed it was a muffin. She dropped the flamethrower and stopped running. The muffin was flying directly at her. Zelda held her hand out and caught the muffin. Her eyes lit up.

"YES, IT'S CINNAMON!" She shrieked excitedly. She was just about to eat it when Link ran up to her. "Look Link, a muffin!" Zelda said. "Now I-"

"Wow, a muffin! I'm famished!" Link interrupted. He grabbed the muffin and swallowed it whole.

"-HAVE TO KILL YOU," Zelda shouted in rage. She clenched her fist.

"Thanks for the muffin, Zelda!" Link said. He skipped away merrily.

Zelda picked up her flamethrower and aimed at Link. She was about to destroy him and his muffin ingesting evilness when she was trampled by his fangirls. Then Zelda's fanboys trampled over Link's fangirls. The fangirls cried out for help and Link's fanboys trampled Zelda's fanboys while Zelda's fangirls popped up and trampled over Link's fanboys.

"WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FIC?" Zelda cried, gesturing at the fanboys and fangirls. The authoress made them disappear. "Thank you!" Zelda said.

"No problem," the authoress said, giving Zelda a thumbs up.

Then quite randomly, a ginormous mushroom appeared and ran over Zelda's flamethrower.

"THAT WAS COMPLETELY STUPID!" Zelda exclaimed.

"Aw, shut up. It's my fic not yours," the authoress said, throwing a plastic cinnamon muffin at Zelda.

"NO, IT SHALL BE MY FIC! MIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNEEEEEEE!"

Zelda went into a nearby computer store, bought a computer, registered on fanfiction .net and wrote and posted a fanfic.

"Now I have Author Powers, for I am now an authoress like you!" she said triumphantly.

SFX: CRASH! BANG! SHING! THUD! BLAH BLAH!

Zelda stood up and rubbed her head. She was surrounded by rubble. "Um, ok, what the heck happened?" she asked.

"I typed in some sound effects, and everything got destroyed by the objects that make those sounds," the authoress said.

"So," Zelda said, looking at the SFX, "Everything was destroyed by... breaking glass, a gun, a sword, and a blunt object?"

"Don't forget the Blahs."

"This has nothing to do with muffins."

"Bah, muffins."

Zelda sighed. "I'm tired," she said. "And my appetite is gone. Bye then." She walked away into the sunset.

Meanwhile, Link was in his secret cinnamon muffin hiding chamber under the sink, scoffing down as many muffins as possible.

* * *

Shall I continue? I will if 5 people ask me to.

Wow, it's like... 11:27 PM right now :D I'm surprised my mom's letting me stay on the computer this late.

Don't forget to review everyone! Bye!


	2. Chapter 2

Wow. I got more than five reviews asking me to continue. And so I shall. Yeah. I was unsure about this chapter for a bit. It was either try to make it witty and fail miserably, or make it so completely stupid, that people laugh only because they have no clue what's going on and assume it's funny because the genre says "Humor." I've decided to attempt a nutritious mix of both. Yum.

Disclaimer: I don't own my own bailiff. Or the rights to the Legend of Zelda games or characters.

* * *

Zelda found that she had somehow wound up in Termina. She had no clue why. It could have something to do with the authoress' sudden urge to play Majora's Mask, but said authoress decided that she needed to finish this chapter first before playing any video games.

Anyway, Zelda walked into Clock Town and decided to get a room at the inn. She went inside and was greeted by Anju, who said, "Oh, Princess Zelda! It's so nice to have you come to my inn! HERE'S YOUR ROOOOOOOM KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!" She shoved a key into Zelda's hands.

"Um, thank you?" Zelda said, taking the key and hurrying up the stairs.

"No problem at all!" Anju replied.

Zelda went into her room and shut the door. She decided to take a nap, but when she went to the bed, she saw that there was something on the pillow. It was...

"A CINNAMON MUFFIN!" Zelda squealed. She was grabbed it and was about to eat it when she was suddenly sucked down a conveniently placed green pipe.

She was deposited in a sewer. She looked around and saw… _goombas_.

"WHAT. THE. HELL. OMNIPOTENT OTAKU, GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!" Zelda screamed angrily.

The authoress appeared. "Whaddya want?"

"WHAT I AM I DOING HERE? THERE ARE GOOMBAS! AND THEY'RE 2-D!"

"Well Zelda, I wanna play Paper Mario now."

"THIS IS A LEGEND OF ZELDA FANFICTION, NOT FREAKING PAPER MARIO!"

"I'm the authoress Zelda, so I call the shots."

"But this isn't in the crossover category! I'M SUING YOU FOR RIGHTS TO THIS FANFIC!"

Suddenly, they were in court.

"Order, ORDER!" The Judge yelled, while hitting the bailiff on the head with his ginormous mallet. "Now… um… Princess Zelda, the plaintiff, is suing the authoress of the fanfiction Pass the Muffins for rights to the fanfiction because the authoress started to turn the fic into a crossover… right?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Zelda said.

"And the defendant, Omnipotent otaku… do you want me to call you otaku?"

"Call me Stalin," the authoress said.

"What?"

"I mean, call me otaku."

"Alrighty then. So, you are countersuing Zelda for her cinnamon muffin."

"I OBJECT TO THAT!" Zelda cried.

"But Zelda, if you get to keep the muffin, I'll have to end the fanfic, and the people don't want that," the otaku said.

"ANYWAY," the Judge said, interrupting the two, "Zelda, let's hear your story first."

"Wait, don't we have to swear on the Bible or something?" Zelda asked.

The otaku threw her Lord of the Rings book at Zelda. "There. One of my Bibles. Swear on it."

Zelda threw the book back. "Oh, never mind! Ok, well, this is a Legend of Zelda fanfic and the authoress put me in a Paper Mario setting with these creepy 2-D goombas. They aren't in any Zelda games! She can't just suddenly make the fic a crossover!"

"But Zelda, aren't there goombas and green pipes in the Super Smash Bros. games? And aren't there playable Zelda characters in the Super Smash Bros. games?" The otaku asked.

"Those games are crossovers in themselves!" Zelda retorted.

"I'm bored," the Judge said, and he started hitting the bailiff again.

"Then let me win the case and you can go home," Zelda said.

"Hm? Oh, no no no. I'm sorry. You can't get the rights to this fanfic. You're just a character and even though the rules state that the author or authoress of the fic can't own you, he or she can do whatever he or she wants to you. Besides, how do you know 2-D goombas don't live in sewers under Hyrule? I find in favor of-"

"WAIT!" Zelda cried. "Can I at least keep the muffin?"

"No way!" the otaku said. "_I'm_ getting that muffin!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

The Judge whispered something to the bailiff, who went over to Zelda and took her muffin. He brought it back to the Judge, who said, "Ok, whoever can pay the most for it gets it."

"I'll get this for sure," Zelda said.

"Oh RIGHT," the otaku said, rolling her eyes. "Everyone here knows that anything you can pay, I can pay higher."

"Ha!"

"I can pay anything higher than you!"

"No you can't."

"Yes I can."

"No you can't."

"Yes I can."

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can, yes I caaaaaan!"

"Ok, could you stop?" The Judge asked.

"Sure thing."

"Sorry."

Then the Judge looked around the room. He frowned. "Isn't there supposed to be a jury? BAILIFF, GET ME SOME JURY MEMBERS, KAY?"

The Bailiff left the court then came back in a few minutes later. Following him were Batman, Robin, a small green alien, the ice cream man, and a bucktoothed nun. They all looked around.

"Holy ravioli Batman, we're in... a COURT! DUN DUN DUN!" Robin declared.

"I don't know him, I swear, he followed me on the subway," Batman said, scooting away from Robin.

"Foolish humans and their courts! Ha!" The alien said.

"Can I sell you some ice cream?" The ice cream man asked the Judge.

"Repent children, and God will love you, "the nun said, nodding.

The Judge hit the bailiff with the mallet and said, "ORDER IN THE COURT! Now, the plaintiff says the defendant is breaking some rule by putting her in a sewer, and the defendant says that she's the authoress so what she says goes. Who's guilty?"

"The Joker!" Robin cried

"Robin!" Batman cried.

"All you filthy earth monkeys!" The Alien cried.

"I want to sell you ice cream!" The ice cream man cried.

"God will forgive all of you, guilty or not, so let's have lunch!" The nun cried.

"Fine! I find in favor of lunch! The muffin goes to the authoress and no more crossovers, whether it be characters or places or even shoes!"

The otaku frowned and used her Author Powers to switch Zelda's Yoshi slippers with her usual shoes before she noticed.

"Let's do lunch!" The Judge said, and everyone ran out of the courtroom cheering.

When the room was empty, the otaku grabbed the cinnamon muffin, said, "Adieu princess!" to Zelda, and disappeared. Zelda stared at where the otaku was a moment before, then shouted, "I'LL GET THAT MUFFIN ONE DAY, AND WHEN I DO, YOU'LL BE SORRY! YOU AND LINK! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

And, like in the last chapter, Link was still in his secret cinnamon muffin hiding chamber, hoping Zelda would never find it.

* * *

I'm sorry. This chapter was so horrible. I really am sorry.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm quite tired and I do believe that I should go to bed, but I shall not, for I am an imbecile.

For this chapter, I'm going to recycle some stuff from my old fanfic, Stupid is Thy Name. Although I doubt anyone remembers that fic.

Disclaimer: Nintendo is not owned by me, therefore it isn't mine. My logic is spiffy, isn't it?

* * *

Zelda awoke early in the morning. The sun's rays were streaming through her bedroom window, illuminating the room in bright sunlight. The sunlight was very light and bright and illuminative. As the bright light of the sun-

"I THINK WE ALL GET THE POINT!" Zelda shouted. She got out of bed and closed the curtains on the window.

Zelda walked into the kitchen. She poured herself a cup of coffee and placed it on the counter top. After taking a few sips, she went outside to pick up the newspaper from the doorstep. She proceeded back inside and when she was in the kitchen again, she picked up her cup of coffee and noticed a ring of coffee on the counter.

"Oh, that always happens," she muttered to herself.

She wanted to get a paper towel to wipe up the coffee, but she was suddenly captivated by the ring of coffee. She didn't know why, but she kept staring at it until the phone rang. Zelda tore her eyes away from the coffee and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"_Seven minutes."_ A creepy voice whispered.

"Seven minutes?" Zelda said, bemused. "Seven minutes until what?"

"Oh dear, did I say seven minutes? I meant days! Seven days! Can I start over?"

"But-"

"Hang up the phone."

"But I-"

"HANG UP THE PHONE!"

Zelda placed the phone back in the receiver. Five seconds later, it rang again. Zelda picked it up.

"Hello."

"_Seven da-"_ the voice was cut off by a severe coughing fit. "Oh, I messed up again! Hang up, please."

Again, Zelda hung up the phone, again it rang, and again Zelda picked it up.

"Hi there."

"_Seven minutes._ Huzzah, I did it! WOOHOO! Oh yeah, I diiid it, uh-huh, I diiid it!"

"She diiid it! OH YEAH!" a bunch random voices sang into the phone.

"Ooookaaaay," was Zelda's response. "Um, seven days until what?"

"Seven days until. . . Oh gosh, I haven't thought of that. All I know is that you watched the Coffee Ring and in seven days I need to do something."

"Get me a cinnamon muffin, perhaps?" Zelda suggested hopefully.

"Nah. Maybe I'll kill you or something," the voice said. "I'll think of it. Goodbye."

"Bye?"

Zelda hung up the phone. One single thought passed through her head: _That's the last time I drink decaf._

"Who called?" a voice asked from behind Zelda

Zelda jumped. She turned around and saw Link there. "Where did you come from?"

"Somewhere secret," Link said. He pulled a muffin out of his pocket. "I got this there."

Zelda's eyes widened. "C-cinnamon… gimme… want it…" she said, reaching out for the muffin.

"No, no," Link said, holding the muffin out of reach, "you need to do something for me."

"What? Anything!" Zelda said.

Link grinned.

x.x.x.x.x

"Ok Zelda, smile for the camera!"

Zelda didn't smile. She didn't show any emotion at all, actually.

"Zelda, don't be like this."

"Uh, well, excuse me, but I don't see _you_ dressed as a freaking mushroom!" Zelda said, gesturing at the outfit she was wearing.

Ganondorf lowered his camera. "But you need these photos taken or no muffins."

"Ok, but why do you need pictures of me dressed like a mushroom?" Zelda inquired.

"Mushrooms need pin-ups, too," Ganondorf said. "Now, try going for that sexy fungus look. C'mon Zelda, work it!"

Zelda tried to pose, but the mushroom costume she was wearing made it hard to move much.

"Yeah, yeah, that's it Zelda!" Ganondorf cried, snapping pictures left and right.

When he ran out of film, Zelda let out a sigh of relief.

"We're done?" she asked.

"Done? Ahaha, that's funny! Get into this, now!"

He held up a mongoose costume.

"Are you kidding me!"

"I am, actually. This is your real outfit."

He held up what looked horribly like the outfit of a certain Mario.

"This one's for the paper," Ganondorf said. "I can see the headline now- Princess Plumber: The Secret Life of Zelda."

"This is SO not worth a cinnamon muffin!" Zelda said. She took the mushroom costume off (ah, don't worry readers, she had clothing on underneath) and proceeded to the exit. She opened the door and saw a giant cup of coffee. She blinked a few times.

"Seven days," the cup of coffee said.

"I think Miss Creepy Voice crystallized that for me, thanks," Zelda said. She walked past the cup of coffee and back to her place.

"HEY, OTAKU!" Zelda screamed when she was back in her kitchen.

The otaku appeared, holding a half-eaten cinnamon muffin. Zelda stared at it, and the otaku stuffed it in her mouth and swallowed it whole.

After having a choking fit, the otaku said, "What's up, Princess Plumber?"

"What the hell is up with this chapter?" Zelda asked.

"Look Zelda, I wanna go to bed. I'm tired. Tired equals subtle humor."

"Mushroom pin-ups are subtle?"

"Mm-hm."

"Liar."

Then, to Zelda's complete horror, Michael Jackson fell through the ceiling.

"I'M BAD!"

Zelda screamed and tried to hide under the kitchen table. While she was hiding, Ganondorf ran inside and said to MJ, "Hey, wanna join the bad guy club?"

"Sure!" MJ said.

"AWAY!" They shouted in unison. Then they disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Zelda came back out from under the table.

"Oh dear God, go to bed!" she said to the otaku.

"Fine, fine," otaku said. "And here, have this."

She handed Zelda a herring.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" Zelda asked, puzzled.

"CUT DOWN A TREE WITH IT! BWAHAHAHA!"

Zelda watched, still very bewildered, as the otaku ran through the wall and into the sunset. The last thing Zelda heard her say was, "Argh, it burns!"

Zelda sat down and hit her head repeatedly against the kitchen table.

* * *

And now I shall go to bed. G'night. See y'all next chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

The Muffin Song and James are copyrighted to me and cannot be used without my permission, unless you enjoy your face being eaten.

Disclaimer: Link and Zelda aren't mine.

* * *

One day, a cinnamon muffin named James was baked into the land of Hyrule. The old lady who baked him, called Grandma by all the other baked goods, placed James on the counter shortly after he came out of the oven. "You'll stay here while I bake up some more muffins, alright my sweet?" Grandma said. 

James was quite content on the counter, but he felt a bit sad because no one wanted to eat him. The twin corn muffins on the other end of the counter giggled at James and said, "Well, Grandma is probably reserving you for herself. You should be honored!" But that was the only nice thing they said. They turned out to nasty little gossipers, and James was very happy when a little boy, called Grandson, came in and ate the twins.

A few times, Grandma would go over and pick up James, and then she would mutter, "No, no, no. I know _she_ will pay big money for a cinnamon muffin." James didn't know what this meant, and he was very unhappy. Then Grandma left the room for a while. When she was gone, James sighed and said, "No one likes me, I'm not delicious enough." Then the lid of the cookie jar moved and out came a chocolate chip cookie.

"Of course you're delicious enough!" the cookie said. "You're cinnamon. And Grandma only makes cinnamon muffins on special occasions. Also, you're her favorite flavor."

"Then why didn't she eat me?" James asked.

The cookie laughed. "There's someone else," she said, "who loves cinnamon muffins, perhaps more than Grandma. And that person sent Grandma a letter. Grandma usually doesn't take orders, but this person offered a lot of money for you."

"What's money?"

"I don't know, but it doesn't look as appetizing as we do, that's for sure."

Then they heard footsteps.

"Goodbye," the cookie said, and she disappeared back into the jar.

Grandma entered the room and went over to the oven. She pulled out a tray of muffins and put them next to James. "It's off to the market after you're cool," Grandma said to the muffins. She left the room.

"Hey, you're a strange looking flavor," a banana walnut muffin said to James.

"I'm cinnamon," James said.

"Since you're the only cinnamon muffin, you must be the worst flavor," a corn muffin said.

"Cornelius, that was rude!" another corn muffin said.

"Oh, please don't argue," a bran muffin said feebly.

"And you're a tasteless loser," Cornelius said to the bran muffin.

"Cornelius, shut up!" a blueberry muffin exclaimed.

"I'm not listening to _you_, Berri," Cornelius declared.

"Ssh, I think the old woman's coming!" a chocolate chip muffin said.

"Her name's Grandma," James told the muffins.

A second later, Grandma entered the kitchen with a basket. She placed the muffins in one by one, placing James in last. She set off out the kitchen. James tried to see over the edge of the basket at the rest of the house, but it was futile effort because James didn't have eyes, for he was but a muffin.

"You're a very special muffin, my dear," Grandma said to James. "You'll be very popular when I bring you to the market."

"See, he's the best flavor, not the worst," Berri whispered to Cornelius.

"Well, your _face_," Cornelius whispered back (which made no sense, for muffins lack faces).

"Yo _mama_."

"Oh, she owned you right there," another blueberry muffin said.

Before Cornelius could make a witty retort to that statement, there was suddenly a burst of sunlight and the sound of many voices.

"We're outside!" Berri said breathlessly.

Grandma carried the basket through the streets of the market until she came to a small stand with "Grandma's Homemade Muffins" written on it. She placed the basket on the stand and went behind it. It wasn't too long before the first customer approached the stand. He said to Grandma, "Do you have any corn muffins?" The muffins in the basket heard him, and they all shoved Cornelius to the top.

"Right here, Sir," Grandma said, and she grabbed Cornelius and handed him to the customer. "That will be five rupees."

The customer paid her and then he left. The muffins rejoiced at the fact that Cornelius was gone. Sadly, Berri was sold next, and three more muffins were sold after her. James wondered when someone would buy him.

It wasn't long before Grandma said, "Ah, she's finally here!"

Grandma took James and placed him on the stand next to the basket. James saw a young girl with blonde hair running toward the stand. When she reached it, she said, "Oh, you baked it! My cinnamon muffin! Here, take it! All of it!" She thrust a huge chest full of rupees and jewels at Grandma.

"I'm rich! Rich!" Grandma exclaimed before running away from her stand laughing hysterically.

"And I have my muffin!" the girl said as she picked up James. "Come muffin, let us take a walk. My name's Zelda, by the way."

Zelda walked through the market, talking about how delicious James smelled. If James weren't a muffin, he might have been blushing. She soon walked out into Hyrule Field, and James was amazed by how beautiful the sight of it was and how peaceful it was.

But all good things come to an end.

A boy in green ran up to James and Zelda. He was holding a guitar. "Zelda, you finally got your muffin," the boy said.

"Thanks for pointing that out, Link," Zelda said, rolling her eyes. She didn't want to deal with him at the moment.

"In honor of your achievement, I'll sing you a song!"

"Uh, Link, you don't have to-"

Link started strumming on his guitar. Zelda sighed and sat down on a nearby tree stump. "May as well put up with it," she said to James. James nodded as well as a muffin could. Link then cleared his throat and sang:

"_Got muffins crammed in my pockets_

_And in my hat and shoes_

_All those yummy, gooey muffins_

_Oozing muffin goo_

_But my muffins ain't choc-o-late,_

_Blueberry or bran, too _

_They're all of them cinnamon_

_And they're just for me and you!_

_Got muffins stuffed inside my pants_

_And down my shirt as well_

_It's like being in muffin heaven_

_Instead of muffin hell_

_Cinnamon muffins everywhere_

_Muffins are so much fun_

_I like to frolic with my muffins_

_Under the big, happy sun!_

_So let's me and you eat straight through all these yummy cinnamon muffins!"_

Link then let out a scream and smashed his guitar on the ground repeatedly until it was naught but splinters.

"That was very, um, interesting," Zelda said.

"Glad you liked," Link said. "But this wasn't a free show."

"Oh? What's the cost?"

"Your MUFFIN!" Link cried, and he snatched James.

"No, give him back!" Zelda exclaimed.

"NEVER!" Link shouted. He ran as quickly as possible away from Zelda while laughing maniacally.

"I'll save you, dearest muffin!" Zelda yelled, and she set off running as well. However, she tripped over a mushroom and when she got to her feet again, Link and James were nearly out of sight.

James tried to yell to Zelda that it would be ok, but he hadn't a mouth (or at least he didn't have one he could speak to humans with). He tried to break Link's grip, but he hadn't hands. He tried to somehow generate hands, but alas! that didn't work either. He thought to himself, "Zelda, I'll get back to you soon!" All while Zelda thought to herself, "My muffin, I'll obtain you again, don't worry!" Link's thought were, "I'll never let this muffin go, muahaha."

* * *

Hey look, plot! 

Anyway, will James and Zelda ever be reunited? Will Link be the next Hylian Idol? Will Link's former guitar grow into a guitar tree? Find out in the next exciting chapter of… PASS THE MUFFINS!


	5. Chapter 5

Here's an update for y'all.

Disclaimer: I don't own what isn't mine.

* * *

Zelda paced about in the middle of Hyrule field, wondering what to do. Link had run off with her precious cinnamon muffin, and Zelda was unsure about where to find him. As she paced and thought of possible areas Link could be residing in, a young man with a microphone approached her. He said to her, "Hello, my name is Brian Baycrest, and I'm searching for the next Hylian Idol!"

Zelda let out an exasperated sigh and said, "Omnipotent otaku, this is your most blatant attempt at a crossover yet."

The otaku suddenly materialized. "No it isn't," she said, frowning. "The goombas were."

"Oh, shut up! It's obvious this is Ryan Seacrest from American Idol, only you gave him a different name."

"No, he's an original character."

"O RLY?"

"No, it's true," Brian said earnestly. "I'm looking for Link. He's the next Hylian Idol but he ran before the results. His 'muffin senses were tingling,' as he put it."

"Cut the crap, Ryan, and get out of this fandom," Zelda commanded. Brian/Ryan hung his head and slowly walked away.

"Oh, you made him sad," the otaku said.

"You go away, too," Zelda said.

"And you make me sad, too," the otaku said dejectedly before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

_Finally, some peace and quiet,_ Zelda thought. She continued her pacing. Could he be back at the apartment? No, he ran in the opposite direction. Perhaps at Lon Lon Ranch? No, that's too obvious. Lake Hylia? Zelda ran her fingers through her hair. Perhaps she should just search everywhere. Before she set off, a voice behind her said, "Zelda, darling! You look so frustrated."

Zelda stopped pacing. Was it Link? Zelda decided that it was. _That annoying muffin-snatching twit's making fun of me, eh? I'll show him. _In an impressive display of martial arts, Zelda flipped backwards and made a kick at the person behind her. It was a direct hit. Before she landed, she did a number of interesting poses. When she did land, she was facing the person. But it wasn't Link. It was-

"Ganondorf!" Zelda cried.

"Crickets, that smarts," Ganondorf said, rubbing his forehead. "What's wrong with you? Don't you know that I am the EVIL KING OF EVIL? WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO KICK MY PRECIOUS GREEN FOREHEAD, EH?"

"Jeez, are you all Canadian or something?" the authoress asked. She was ignored.

"Well, you snuck up behind me and called me 'darling,'" Zelda stated calmly. "I thought you were Link. I am sorry about your head."

"THE EVIL KING OF EVIL MUST PUNISH YOU!" Ganondorf screamed. He started throwing nearby shrubberies at her. "TAKE THAT! AND THAT! THAT, TOO! BWAHAHA, I AM EVIL!"

"And a bit bipolar, but I won't hold that against you," Zelda remarked. The shrubberies, being made of shrubs, didn't hurt her much. She stood idly by and waited patiently for the attack to stop.

When Ganondorf ran out of shrubberies, he ran over to a guitar tree that had just popped out of the ground. Of course, the guitars weren't ripe yet, so they caused little damage when they struck Zelda.

"Wait a minute, what?" Zelda said as she re-read the paragraph.

"Oh, who cares!" a voice interjected. "You're time is up! It's been seven days!"

Zelda noticed that a soaking wet little girl was running towards them. "Did you fall into a lake or something?" Ganondorf asked.

"No, a vat of coffee," the little girl said. "My name's Samoa."

"Why, if I didn't know any better," Zelda said, "I would think the authoress is trying to make another crossover."

Samoa thought about this and said, "No, it's more like a parody, really. Anyway, your seven days are up. How do you plea?"

"The Fifth," Ganondorf said. "Or maybe the Fourth. I liked Beethoven's Fourth."

"Me, too," Samoa agreed.

"Oh, damn it all!" Zelda exclaimed. "I haven't time for this nonsense!" She marched off.

"Where are you going?" Ganondorf asked.

"To find Link!"

Ganondorf and Samoa glanced at each other and then followed her.

x.x.x.x

The group found Link a short while later at the castle of Not Remotely Similar To Anything Found In The Lord Of The Rings.

"That's improper grammar, capitalizing every word," Ganondorf noted. The authoress made a very rude hand gesture.

Link stood in the battlements while holding a cinnamon muffin. The muffin, James, was quite happy to see Zelda. He struggled to escape from Link's grasp. However, he was naught but a muffin; he lacked the correct motor skills to escape.

"Who dares approach the castle of Not Remotely Similar To Anything Found In The Lord Of The Rings?" Link called down.

"Take a wild guess!" Zelda called back.

"Arwen?"

"STOP ACTING STUPID! WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE BLOODY WELL SMARTER THAN MOST PEOPLE!"

"Enough with the caps lock," Link said. "It's giving me a God awful headache." To prove his point, he tried to dry swallow some aspirin. Then he gasped for water. Since he didn't have any, he took a bite out of James instead.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Zelda screamed.

"Zelda, I… love… you…" James said faintly before losing consciousness. Of course, Zelda couldn't understand what he said. Nevertheless, she cried, "Link, you monster!"

"Am I a monster for eating him, as in that's a barbaric thing to do to a muffin," Link said, "or am I a monster because YOU wanted to eat him and I got the first bite?"

"I'm hungry," Samoa said.

"Here, have this," Link said. He tossed James to her. Samoa gladly ate him.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Zelda screamed again.

When Samoa finished licking her coffee-stained fingers clean, she said, "I was gonna kill you by melting you with very hot coffee, but I suppose the anguish you feel after seeing this delicious cinnamon muffin get eaten is worse. Well, I'm off. Toodles!" She strode away.

Ganondorf shuffled his feet a bit, then said to Link, "Wanna go out to dinner with me?"

"Sure," Link said. He jumped from the battlements. And, since he is Link and he is speshul, he only lost one heart. Link and Ganondorf walked towards town together.

Zelda was left alone at the castle of Not Remotely Similar To Anything Found In The Lord Of The Rings. "I need a drug overdose," she muttered to herself as she set off back to her apartment.

* * *

I like this chapter. But that's just me. You can hate it if that suits your fancy.

Just so you know, I'll be camping from July 29 - August 10. So no updates during that time.

I hope everyone's having a lovely summer.


	6. Chapter 6

Hello there, everyone. I've been happily ignoring the internet for a while, which explains the lack of updates. I'm also exceptionally lazy, but you all probably know that by now.

Anyway, I decided to have a little bit of fun with this chapter. It shall be Zelda's inner monologue, I suppose. Concerning, of course, muffins. I hope you enjoy, even though it's rather short.

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ. So there.

* * *

Some call it an addiction. I prefer to think of it as a keen interest.

I'm not sure how I became so interested in muffins. They never had any special place in my life when I was a child; they were merely another food item on the breakfast table. But one day I realized how good they tasted, how exquisite their texture was, how diverse they were. They made me think of people, in a sense. Although, I must say, cannibalism isn't my thing.

Thinking about it, my interest started about three years ago. I was having a tea party with Malon, Nabooru, and Ganondorf. Ganondorf made his own muffins and he said they were a surprise flavor. Naturally, I concentrated hard on the flavor I tasted.

"It's a regular blueberry muffin," I said after swallowing. I was rather annoyed.

"I know, Zelda," Ganondorf said softly. "But you see, you never appreciate your muffins."

It was a turning point in my life.

I tried all sorts of muffins after that. I even had Ganondorf bake all sorts of crazy flavors for me. I must say, I disliked his cranberry and horseradish muffin, but I'm quite partial to his mango and lasagna muffin.

My most favorite muffin, however, is the cinnamon muffin. So simple, yet so utterly delicious. I've been craving one for so long now, and I just can't get one. And why? Because of Link, a crazed authoress, and other pointless drivel. Will my torment cease?

But why all these hindrances? Have I done something wrong to displease the goddesses? Well, ok, I did almost single-handedly caused the downfall of Hyrule, and I cross-dressed for seven years once; but does it matter now? Ganondorf's pretty much harmless these days (he does have his evil fits of evil every once and a while, but the old taser gun fixes that, yes sir), and I'm done with being Sheik. Unless the goddesses added cross-dressing to the Seven Deadly Sins, but that wouldn't be fun because then it would be the _Eight_ Deadly Sins, and Seven is more fun than Eight, which is not fun.

Ah, redundancy. I blame the muffin withdrawal.

My, is muffin withdrawal really legitimate? I mean, I do eat other foods besides muffins. It's not like I can't function without them…… right? Am I right? Because if I'm not right, I don't want to implode or something. That would be horrible.

I often wonder where Link keeps getting his cinnamon muffins. Call me suspicious, but I think he may have a secret muffin hiding chamber. But where could it be? Actually, I see him lurking near the sink in our apartment whenever he has a muffin in hand. But that's preposterous! A secret cinnamon muffin hiding chamber under the sink? There's cleaning products under the sink; it's certainly no place for baked bits of heaven on earth.

Perhaps I need a new food obsession. Like delicious chocolate elves. And that certainly isn't some odd form of cannibalism, because as everyone well knows, Hylians aren't elves. We're Hylians. We certainly don't live in Middle-earth or work for Santa…. or DO we? Should I even attempt to contemplate this without a muffin to munch on? Oh, cinnamon muffin, how I pine for thee! I long for your muffiny cinnamon-ness!

No, it's no use merely desiring something. I must obtain my muffin! I must somehow distract that horrible authoress and Link. Yes, if I can manage that, I can see if there really is a secret cinnamon muffin hiding chamber under the sink.

I'll start preparing. The operation shall commence at dawn! (Insert evil cackle here.)

* * *

Cliffhanger!

This chapter was mostly written to figure out what to write for future chapters, which is why it was so bad. So there.

I'll try to update before January, mmkay? Love to everyone who puts up with my updating issues.


	7. Chapter 7

I swear, I wanted to update earlier, but I had internet problems. And I got **Twilight Princess **and some new Stephen King books for Christmas, so I've also been super busy.

I started writing this before Christmas and I wanted to update this on Christmas, but that didn't work out, as you can see. I still want this chapter to be at least slightly Christmassy, therefore it will be. So there.

Disclaimer: The usual.

* * *

Zelda crept into her apartment early in the morning. Horrifyingly early, as the authoress put it when she confronted Zelda a moment later.

"Look you, don't you have some books to read or gay boys to fangirl?" Zelda asked.

"Crickets, you're right for once!" the authoress exclaimed. She then disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"That was horrifyingly easy," Zelda remarked.

She snuck into the kitchen. Link wasn't in sight. Of course, Link tended to be a heavy sleeper; she could blow up the oven and he wouldn't even twitch. Still, she kept as silent as possible as she made her way towards the sink.

She reached the sink without incident. She breathed a sigh of relief as she opened the cabinet under it. She peered inside; apart from the cleaning products stored there, it seemed normal. However…

"Is that a light?" Zelda whispered. Yes, it looked like there was a speck of light in the distance. Zelda moved some of the cleaning products out of the way and climbed into the cabinet. She began to crawl. After a few minutes of crawling, she felt a bit hopeful.

"I'm should be hitting the back by now. Perhaps there _is_ a secret muffin hiding chamber!"

As she crawled further into the cabinet, the light got larger and brighter. The cabinet got larger and soon Zelda could stand up. She ran towards the light until-

_THUNK!_

Yes, she had run into a lamp post.

A moment later, Link appeared from behind a tree, eating a muffin. He laughed and turned around. "Hey, you were right! She's out cold!"

Ganondorf stood up from behind a bush and approached the lamp post. "So eager as to run into a lamp post," Ganondorf said, shaking his head. He also had a muffin and he took a bite.

But the smell of muffins roused Zelda. She woke up and looked around at the lamp post and snow covered forest. "Oh, HELL no," she said. "Now she's made a crossover with Narnia! Where's that damned authoress?"

"What's a Narnia?" Link asked.

However, the authoress appeared and said, "You silly girl, this isn't a crossover. The only talking animal is Ganondorf."

Ganondorf nodded in agreement for a few seconds before he realized what the authoress had said. He stormed off, looking offended.

"Also," the authoress continued, "this isn't snow; it's flour. This is Link's muffin chamber. A giant muffin wonderland. The trees are for oxygen and the lamp post is here because Ganondorf wanted to see you run into something. Now, if you'll excuse me." She disappeared.

Zelda turned to Link. "Okay you," she said, "where are the muffins?"

Link bolted; Zelda gave chase.

Zelda, fueled by her determination to finally be able to eat a cinnamon muffin, was catching up to Link. But Link, being the amazing Hero of Time, was able to pull further ahead.

They kept running until they saw a castle looming ahead in front of them. At this point, Link stopped short. Zelda couldn't slow down in time, so she ran past him. When she did stop, she turned but Link wasn't in sight.

"That authoress must have poofed him into the castle," Zelda thought. She continued running.

When she reached the castle gates, she stopped to rest for a moment; or rather, she fell over panting and twitching, hoping her lungs wouldn't collapse. Luckily, they didn't. After her rest, she entered through the gates with caution.

She was in a courtyard. Everything was coated in flour, but there were no visible footprints. Zelda began walking through the courtyard, keeping an eye out for any muffins.

"You'd think a muffin hiding chamber would be filled with muffins," Zelda muttered after walking all the way across the courtyard. There were no muffins in sight; only heaps of flour. Of course, the flour made sense, but what of the other ingredients? Did she have to find them and bake the muffins herself? She wasn't good at baking (last time she tried it, she was arrested for arson), but perhaps she could attempt it.

"Hey, sexy," a voice suddenly whispered from behind her. Zelda screamed and jumped.

_THUNK!_

Yes, dear readers… she had hit a floating lamp post.

Ganondorf stood behind Zelda's motionless body, laughing. Link was nearby, holding a muffin that he hadn't bitten into yet. He looked pensive.

Ganondorf glanced at Link. "Come, Link! Laugh maniacally with me!"

"It's not canon," Link said absently. He felt a bit bad for Zelda. She just wanted a muffin, why torment her about it?

Zelda began to stir. Link had made up his mind: he would give Zelda a cinnamon muffin.

When Zelda's eyes fluttered open, the first thing she saw was a cinnamon muffin. She instantly sat up and grabbed the muffin. But before she bit into it, she looked questioningly at Link and Ganondorf.

"Did you do anything to it?" she asked.

"No," Link said.

"Unfortunately," Ganondorf added in an undertone.

"So this is a completely sanitary and edible muffin?" Zelda said, looking unbelievably happy.

"Of course it is," Link said. "Think of it as a Christmas present."

"A what present?"

Link shrugged. "It some holiday the authoress mentioned to me once. Merry Christmas, Zelda."

Zelda didn't inquire about the holiday; she only said, "Thank you, Link."

Before she could take a bite, she noticed a couple of animals that had gathered. There were a few birds, some squirrels, and a rather starved looking monkey.

"Why's there a monkey?" Zelda asked Link.

"Not sure," Link said, looking at it.

The monkey approached Zelda, holding out its hands. It looked pitiful.

"You poor thing," Zelda said. "You look like you haven't eaten in a week."

The monkey was looking at the muffin. Zelda almost laughed. "No no, this is mine. It was a present."

The monkey's eyes swelled up with tears.

Zelda looked at the muffin, then at the monkey. "You need it more than I do, I suppose. Here." She held out the muffin. The monkey snatched it and bolted with surprising speed while making noises that sounded horribly like maniacal laughter. Zelda blinked.

"What just happened?" she asked.

"I think you were conned by a monkey," Link responded. "Actually, didn't Ganondorf just recently buy a pet monkey? Wait, where is he? I want to ask him about the monkey. I think it was imported from Termina. Anyway, I could get you another muffin, and… no wait, we're out of muffins. There's only flour. Hey, you alright? You look pale."

Zelda stood up and began walking listlessly across the courtyard.

"Where are you going?" Link inquired.

"To drown myself," Zelda replied. But before she even reached the middle of the courtyard-

_THUNK!_

Indeed, the floating lamp post drifted above her and promptly stopped defying gravity.

Zelda regained consciousness rather quickly. She sat up and looked around curiously. "Where am I?" she asked Link. "The last thing I remember was that horrible Samoa girl eating my precious muffin at the castle of Not Remotely Similar To Anything Found In The Lord Of The Rings."

"Uh… you're… dreaming?" Link said as he took her arm and began leading her back to the apartment.

"Dreaming!" Zelda said. "Well, I guess I must be. Hey, it smells like muffins here, doesn't it"

"It does," Link agreed.

When they got back to the apartment, Zelda climbed into her bed and instantly passed out. Link decided to go to the local tavern. It had been a long day.

* * *

Uh, wow, I had no idea how to end the chapter, which is why it's so horribly bad. Sorry. D:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone!


	8. Chapter 8

AHAHA, WHO FAILS AT UPDATING? I DO! HEEHEEHEE!

I've had this chapter idea since... hm... the beginning of June? But there was school to worry about, and then we had finals, and just last week I was at Ave Maria University for a summer program, so I've been busy. D: And my camping trip starts this weekend. I should probably be getting ready for that right now, but I won't because I'd like to write down this idea before I forget it. I can pack later. :P

I suppose that's it.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

* * *

Zelda sat in her courtyard, watching the clouds roll by. The clouds were all sorts of amusing shapes. Zelda spotted a horse-shaped one, a dog-shaped one, and-

"A muffin-shaped one," she sighed as she watched it go by. "I haven't eaten a muffin since… since… oh, I don't know when!" Zelda stood up and crossed her arms.

"It's all Link's fault!" she continued, ignoring the bemused looks of the guards at the entrance of her courtyard as they watched her talk to herself. "He's such a child! If he'd just let me alone, we'd all be MUCH HAPPIER." She clenched her fist and looked to the sky again. "Link, if I see you again, I'll make you pay! Yes, pay for at least 1000 muffins! Pay until you're broke!" She laughed a most maniacal laugh.

When she was quite finished, she clapped her hands once and said, "Guards!" There was no answer. Zelda turned to the entrance of the courtyard and said again, "_Guards._" But they weren't there.

"Oh, where are they?" Zelda asked no one in particular.

"How should _I_ know?" No One in Particular replied. Zelda ignored him and went to look for her guards.

She stepped out of the courtyard and looked around, but there was no trace of them. However, she quickly spotted a rolled up bit of parchment sticking out of a nearby shrubbery. She snatched it and saw that it contained a simple yet utterly disturbing message:

_Zelda, dearest, you are finer than the finest cinnamon and, being as cinnamon is delicious, I'd be delighted to eat your face. Love, your Secret Admirer._

_x.x.x.x_

Link was just about to tuck in to a bowl of Lucky Charms when Zelda burst into his kitchen and smacked him in the back of the head, causing his face to smash into the cereal bowl.

"What was that for?" Link cried, wiping milk and marshmallows from his face.

"Did you write this disgusting garbage?" Zelda asked, showing Link the note.

"I most certainly did not," Link said with resentment. "And you owe me a bowl of Lucky Charms."

"Oh? You owe me a cinnamon muffin."

The two glared at each other.

"While you're off fetching a muffin for me," Zelda said, starting to head toward the door, "I'm going to find out who wrote this drivel."

"Rather a hard task, I should think," Link replied. "Any idiot can write drivel. And I'm staying right here, by the way."

They glared at each other again before Zelda left, slamming the door behind her.

x.x.x.x

Zelda was walking aimlessly through the market, wondering who could have written that letter. There wasn't a desirable assortment of males to choose from.

"After Link," Zelda mused, "the only other guys I'm aware of are Talon, Ingo, the carpenters, and-" She paused, considered, and concluded, "Shop owners." She grimaced. Nope, not desirable at all.

Suddenly, someone put their arms around Zelda and said, "Dearest!"

Zelda elbowed whoever it was in the stomach and quickly turned around. To her surprise, it was-

"Ganondorf!" Zelda exclaimed.

Ganondorf, looking deceivingly charming despite the fact that he was doubled-over, smiled at Zelda. Zelda, who was considering backing away slowly, had a strange thought.

"Ganondorf," she began cautiously, "did you... write anything recently?"

"Oh, you received my note?" Ganondorf cried enthusiastically, which caused Zelda's eye to twitch somewhat.

"This is a joke, isn't it?"

Ganondorf looked confused. "Love as a joke? Zelda, if I wanted to joke around with you, I'd put a horse head in your bed."

_He would too!_ Zelda thought with horror.

"Listen, Ganondorf, you obviously have a, er, a talent for writing." Ganondorf looked pleased. "But you see, you don't write like that in any sort of love letter."

Ganondorf pondered this.

"And also," Zelda continued, "I don't like you the way you like me. Frankly, I don't like you at all. You're the Evil King of Evil."

"But Zelda, I pwned some n00bs for you!" Ganondorf said, holding up two unconscious guards- the ones who guarded her courtyard.

"Look, Ganondorf," Zelda said, marveling at her patience, "I need those guards for protection-"

"They're obviously not good at it."

"-and therefore you should not pwn them."

"Fine, I won't," Ganondorf said, looking almost sorry. He got over it in a second though and asked eagerly, "Wanna go on a date?"

Zelda was about to vehemently decline when an idea came to her. _If I date him, even once, I might be able to make him get me a cinnamon muffin. Maybe even a dozen! Thousands! _She cackled.

"Is that a yes?"

Zelda grinned at him. "It's a yes!"

Meanwhile, Link and the authoress were hiding in a nearby alley, watching them.

"I don't believe her!" Link said with indignation. "She'll date him and not me?"

"Oh yeah, because you asked her out _dozens_ of time," the authoress said, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, she's only doing it for muffins. I can tell."

"What about Ganondorf?"

"His motives elude me."

"Well, thanks for the tip-off," Link said, shaking the authoress' hand.

"No problem," the authoress said, and she disappeared in a puff of smoke.

_Ganondorf and Zelda,_ Link thought, _I shall make your first date a living hell!_

* * *

Jeez, don't give me that look, I need a plot if I ever want to update in a reasonable amount of time.

Yeah, this came out a bit different from my original idea. I think I've been reading too much Ranma ½.

Hopefully there'll be another update within a month or two. Of course, I can't promise you anything.

Until then, I bid you adieu.


	9. Chapter 9

Hey, guess which Zelda nerd got a Zelda DS and Phantom Hourglass for Christmas?

Anyway, I've been meaning to update this since… October? But I've been busy (college applications, lawl) and I couldn't figure out what to write in general. I've thought up, tried out, and discarded so many ideas. But this one came to me last month and I like it. Not sure about you fine readers, though. If you don't like it, don't chase me with torches and pitchforks, 'kay? 8D

Oh, and this will be short. I'm sorry. D:

* * *

Ganondorf had taken Zelda to a rather fancy restaurant near the Temple of Time for their date, and she was actually enjoying Ganondorf's company until he ordered a keg of ale and chugged it. After a few more kegs of ale he was completely drunk and humming senseless melodies in between gulps which if put together and listened to backwards would sound very similar to an Irish drinking song (however, no one in Hyrule even knew of such a place as Ireland, which would explain why everyone was utterly confused by the bottle of Guinness a young man in the corner was drinking).

Zelda was seriously considering walking out when the waiter nervously announced to Ganondorf, "Uh, sir, we're out of ale, you drank all of it."

"Eh?" Ganondorf said. "Excuse me? Do you even know who I _am_?"

Panic completely overtook the waiter and he grabbed the Guinness from the man in the corner, gave it to Ganondorf, and said, "Here, this is on the house! I'll see if we can get more ale for you, sir!" The waiter fled.

Ganondorf said thickly, "Don't wanna waste this one." He began taking small sips and munching on breadsticks.

Zelda drummed her fingers on the table and stared at her wine glass. She really wanted to leave, but at the same time she really wanted Ganondorf to buy her a muffin or two, which was another way of saying she had to put up with him. Or steal his wallet when he finally passed out.

"Excuse me, dearie?"

Zelda looked at the middle-aged woman sitting at the table next to hers with her husband. "Yes?"

"Are you newlyweds?" the woman asked.

Zelda almost threw her wine glass at the woman for even suggesting such a thing. "No, no," Zelda said. "Of_ course_ we aren't!"

The woman misinterpreted Zelda's reaction. "Oh, engaged then," she said, nodding.

"W-wait a sec, we aren't-" Zelda began.

"Oh, no need to be demure about it, dearie," the woman interrupted with a smile. "Why, when my husband proposed to me, I was so flustered I kept it a secret for months."

Seeing as the woman's husband looked like a moblin, Zelda wasn't surprised.

"I propose a toast!" the woman said, standing up and holding her glass. Everyone in the restauarnt stopped what they were doing and looked at her. "To Princess Zelda and her fiancee, um… what's you name, dear?" the woman asked, addressing Ganondorf.

"S'pose it's Ganondorf," Ganondorf said darkly, eyeing the woman over his Guinness bottle and not comprehending anything that was going on. Some of the people who were watching raised their eyebrows and glanced uneasily at eachother. The drunk, rowdy redhead is Ganondorf? And he's _engaged_?

"Why's he even here?" a man asked his sister in a low whisper. "I thought Link and Zelda got rid of him."

"That doesn't work for plot," his sister responded.

"Ahem!" the woman said. "Again, a toast to Princess Zelda and Ganondorf! May you have many happy years together!"

Everyone decided to completely disregard Ganondorf's evil past and they all raised their glasses. No one noticed the young man in green standing in the doorway, his mouth agape, his plans of ruin upon Ganondorf and Zelda's date completely forgotten. He turned and left, walking slowy away from the cheers and good-luck wishes for the princess.

"Listen, I'm not-" Zelda started, but she was cut off by a castle guard who happened to be there and said, "Wow, how unexpected! Have you discussed wedding plans with your dad? Wait, I'll go ask him." The guard left.

Zelda groaned. Well, she was in deep shit now, yessir. "Gimme that," she said, snatching Ganondorf's Guinness and downing it. She had a feeling her life was about spiral down into the depths of hell.

* * *

I just realized the extent of my canon-rape in this fic. D: Oh well. At least I have some writing skills to make up for it? Maybe?

So, uh, comment, plzthx? Crit is always nice. Next chapter I will try to make longer. Maybe 5-8 pages if I can manage it.


	10. Chapter 10

Hey, look, chapter ten! Jubilations!

Anyway... LOL GUYS I'M IN COLLEGE. 8D So sorry if my updates- wait, my updating sucks regardless. Never mind. Although I did honestly have major writers block for this chapter. I wrote up to the first scene break in May and couldn't think of anything from there. D: But then I did after a few months but I decided not to write it until my birthday because I'm an attention whore. THAT'S RIGHT KIDS, THE OTAKU'S 18. I demand cake! And strippers! Or, uh, maybe just reviews. 8D

Er, anyway, here's the fic. Enjoy!

* * *

When Zelda was finally able to escape from the restaurant, she headed straight to the castle, bracing herself for her father's reaction. She hoped he would be angry and absolutely forbid such a union, but on the contrary, when she entered the throne room, her father nearly tackled her and said excitedly, "Oh Zelda, oh Zelda dear! I thought you'd never get married!" He then proceeded to cry and shout, "NO, NO, DON'T LEAVE ME!"

Then when the King was lying on the floor, clinging to the hem of Zelda's dress and telling the cook between sobs what should be done about the wedding cake, Zelda wrenched her skirt free and fled to her room. When she arrived, she slammed the door behind her and screamed, "OTAKU!"

The otaku jumped out of Zelda's closet, laughing hysterically.

"Haha, I just jumped out of your closet! Haha, see, it's funny because it's like a gay joke, only we're not gay and this… isn't funny… yeah." She shuffled her feet in an awkward manner.

"Listen you," Zelda said, crossing her arms and glaring at the authoress, "can you make it so that I'm not getting married?"

"Let me check the rule book on that," the otaku said. She pulled a small leather-bound book from her pocket that had "Rules of Fanfiction" written in gold print along the spine. "There doesn't seem to by any rule against it," the otaku muttered, flipping through the pages.

"Let me see," Zelda demanded. The otaku handed her the book and Zelda began going through it.

"Why, there's nothing written!" Zelda exclaimed. "Oh, wait a second-" she began going back a few pages. "Rule 34?"

"That doesn't concern you," the authoress said, snatching the book away from her. "Listen, I'm in the middle of reading some slash fic so if you'll excuse me."

"Wait, wait, you said you could-!"

But the otaku had already disappeared.

-x-x-

Link was wandering listlessly through the streets of the Market, oblivious to the sympathetic looks he received from those who passed him by. He was too absorbed in his misery. Zelda flirting with other guys? Ok, whatever. Zelda giggling about boys with Malon and Saria? Sure thing, have fun. Zelda actually getting _engaged_? Excuuuuuse me, princess. Link had been hoping that Zelda would never get married. He had always dreamed of going up to her twenty years later, he married with kids, she alone and bitter, and saying firmly and with much amusement, "_Ha_." A rather stupid plan it was, since the royal bloodline was supposed to be continued, but Link wasn't necessarily the sharpest arrow in the quiver.

He knew she was only marrying for the muffins. He knew it. And yet, the fact that it was Ganondorf she chose made him feel a twinge of anger. Link was certainly more capable of getting muffins than Ganondorf. Link had his own secret muffin chamber, didn't he? And he was _much_ more attractive than Ganondorf. Although he had to admit, Ganondorf was deliciously muscular under his armor and his skin was flawless with its soft green hue.

Link stopped walking and crossed his arms. No, it was no use acting like a kicked puppy. He would confront Zelda and Ganondorf. Better yet, he would sabotage their wedding. He grinned and cackled with delight before running back to his apartment to plot.

-x-x-

There was a knock at Zelda's door, and Zelda went and pulled the door open. Standing in the hallway was Ganondorf. He shoved her aside and barged into her room, shouting, "WHAT IS GOING ON?" as he did so. Zelda shut the door and said, "What, you don't remember?"

"'Course I don't!" Ganondorf said. "Did you see how much ale I chugged? I'm lucky my liver didn't explode."

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Well, apparently, some stupid woman thought we were engaged and now everyone else thinks so. My dad's off planning our wedding and he won't listen to a thing I say!"

"He won't listen to me, either," Ganondorf sighed. "He let me into the castle without protest and when I told him I was going to kill him he laughed and started going on about how funny I was."

"You actually kill him and I'll make our honeymoon a nightmare," Zelda threatened. But then they both burst out laughing.

"So, what should we do?" Zelda asked. "No offense, but I am not marrying you. You're evil."

"And I'm certainly not marrying you because you can have me sealed in the Sacred Realm again if we ever get into a fight."

"Well, we could hire someone to sabotage the wedding. The question is, who?"

They both thought for a second. Zelda considered Link first, but she hadn't seen him in ages so he was probably off adventuring or something. Then she thought about Malon. Malon could unleash mad cows if she had to.

"I got it!" Ganondorf exclaimed after a moment. "Nabooru!"

"Ok, what'll she do?"

"Scorned lover," Ganondorf said. "We'll pretend I was engaged to her and I ran off and she's back to claim me."

"Oh, that's good," Zelda said. "She can threaten to kill me unless you go back to the desert with her."

"Perfect! No one will blame you, Nabooru will be looked upon with pity even though she's threatening to kill you, and I'll be seen as an evil bastard. Everybody wins!"

"Ok, you go tell her the plans. My dad's setting the wedding for next week, so we should have enough time to perfect this."

"Yup. Well, I'll be off now. Bye Zelly," Ganondorf said as he left the room.

"See ya, Ganny," Zelda called after him. Zelda sat down on her bed and sighed with contentment. By next week everything would be back to normal. Even though normal still meant no muffins. Oh, well, better to not be married to Ganondorf and muffinless then to be married to Ganondorf with muffins. Or maybe not, Ganny was pretty cool when he wasn't being evil.

"Bah, who needs marriage anyway?" Zelda said aloud. She reclined in her bed and closed her eyes. She deserved a nap after being so clever.

* * *

I KNOW, IT'S SHORT AND UNFUNNY AGAIN, I'M SO SORRY. I have finals this week so my mind's kind of more focused on academics than fanfiction.

Next chapter will be the wedding chapter and gosh darn it, I will try my damn best to write it during my winter break and make it long. Of course, it MAY be my last chapter. I'm kind of not feeling this fic anymore, y'know? But don't worry, I have some more Zelda fics planned.

Anywho, thanks for reading! Crit is always loved!


End file.
